"When feelings arise, they are simply there; it's senseless to analyze whether a person should feel them or not." – Roni Habib
How often have you caught yourself saying, "I shouldn't feel this way"?
As if the emotion needs permission to exist.
Why do we act as if the right to feel (pretty much anything) depends on logic or someone else's validation?
Roni Habib's quote, in his book Happy and Resilient, squeezed my heart when I read it. When a feeling arises—grief, joy, anger, anxiety—it's already there. The moment it shows up, it's REAL. Period. No matter what we think (or what others think) it should be, it's present.
Many of us were taught to filter our emotional lives through judgment: Am I overreacting? Is this valid? What's wrong with me for feeling this way? Or, let me call a friend and ask them how I should be feeling.
But here's a thought: Feelings are not problems to be solved.
Feelings are signals.
Feelings are messengers.
Feelings are visitors.
They don't ask for our analysis; they ask for our presence.
I'm convinced when we try to justify our emotions away, we create a much deeper struggle. Let's be honest, the original feeling is enough. There is no need to layer on guilt and shame on top of it.
Think about it like this: let's say you get a huge gash in your leg. You don't argue with your mind if you're allowed to feel pain. And, you don't phone a friend to ask if you should be crying while blood escapes your body! No. That's ridiculous! You're in pain. You accept it and take action!
Emotional intelligence begins with acceptance--not control.
Does this mean we act on every feeling?
No.
It means we allow ourselves to notice the feeling without judgment. Just offer yourself the same compassion you might extend to a friend: "Of course you feel that way. You're human."
As a child growing up, I was often told phrases such as-- "Suck it up" or "If you keep crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about." This was usually after facing severe physical and emotional abuse. So, I learned to suppress feelings. Valid or not I stopped crying and smiled through the pain. It wasn't until much therapy that I learned that feelings are meant to be accepted not shoved aside. Accept it. Then, decide what's next--action, dismissal, sit with it for a bit, etc.
How might the world shift if more of us learned to greet our feelings with curiosity instead of criticism? What if we teach our children that their emotions don't need a permission slip to exist?
How about we stop apologizing for the
tears,
the anger,
the vulnerability,
or even the joy and excitement?
That is the substance that makes us REAL.
Trust me...feelings will arise. And when they do, in the words of Mel Robins, "Let them!"
Your feelings aren't problems to fix—they're messengers.
Let them speak...then decide what to do with them.
Instead of asking, Should I feel this?
Try asking, What is this feeling telling me?
Then listen.
