Being born a "mistake" (to teen parents) and often told my existence messed up the lives of those around me (even having my life on the line more than once) meant I had a lot to prove. I needed to prove my worth, my reason for being here, that I had some value, that I deserved to live. Well, that is what my little mind thought.
Seeking Value
I did just that. With extra tutoring in second grade, I learned to read. Not long after that, I learned the art of writing. I kept my room immaculate. I woke my siblings up for school and got them ready beginning at age seven, I was obsessive about having everything under control--a little grown-up with lots of responsibilities. I developed an obsession and refused to accept anything less than perfect--in my eyes.
In later years, I strived to be the very best at every sport I played. I kept a 4.0 grade-point average. I applied for scholarships and received almost all of them. I wanted to be the first generation graduate of anything. I wanted to make "them" proud! For REAL, one semester in college I strived to make nothing less than 98% on any test--in my mind the goal was really 100%. I actually did it--only missed one question on one test the whole semester (19 credit hours)--one test of a 99%! The rest were a perfect score. PS It still shows up on the grade card as A+. Ridiculous, right?! It goes without saying, I placed bazaar expectations on myself!
All of this--why? To seek value from those around me.
It's as if my little (and teen) self was crying out--"Do you see me? Am I doing good enough? Am I worthy of living now? Am I no longer a mistake?" (It's sickening to admit this, but it's so very true. Sometimes being REAL is embarrassing.)
I wonder how many of our learners (those we serve young and old) feel this way? I wonder how many humans feel (or have felt) this way?
Results of Seeking Value
As you might have guessed--it didn't matter what I did as a child, my family didn't see me any different. Their reactions were quite the opposite, actually. They began to despise me even more. In fact, I'm not even sure my bio-fam knows I'm alive today. No clue. However, the point remains. My efforts were mostly in vain.
Granted, there were teachers and coaches along the way who reminded me of my worth. In fact, if it weren't for them, I'm not certain where I'd be right now. They gave me hope and helped me refocus my energies. They helped me discover what it means to value oneself. They reminded me to stop trying to prove it, and just LIVE it.
Discovering self-value is essential, but the REAL game-changer for me then and now--is when I find value in others.
Finding Value
When I find and share the value I see in others, their faces light up. Their hearts are lifted; I can feel it. They can feel it.
When I overtly tell students, "Your positivity is contagious, and you inspire us to push through our circumstances. You have a valuable purpose in this life!"
Or, other times...I send a little text or DM just to let someone know--"I see you, and you're CRUSHIN' life!" Or, there are times I stop a young mom in the grocery store and let them know, "You're doing a great job and your kiddos are lucky to have you as their mom." The reactions are priceless! You can't help but smile alongside them and feel a sense of purpose.
Letting others know you see the value they offer the world around them is so powerful. It can even be life-changing or life-saving.
How might you find value today? It's not hard to do. In fact, it's far easier than seeking value-with much better results!
Seeking Value vs Finding Value
By having that "seek-value-at-all-cost" mindset for eighteen+ years of my life, I've noticed it often creeps into my mind and heart even now! I guess old habits are hard to break. I'm not kidding. I find myself doing this or doing that or trying to prove to this one or that one that I'm worthy of (fill in the blank). And, when I sink into this "Seek Value" mindset, I'm met with the same result. They don't "see" it as I intended, and I'm left feeling like a mistake. Of little worth. Disappointed. Frustrated within. The REAL question is--who am I trying to prove these things to anyway? Me or them? Neither are convinced.
On the contrary, when I find value in others. I feel fulfilled! Rejuvenated. Excited about life! On a mission. Full of purpose. I think to myself--"I have lots of value to find and share. If not me, then who will do it? Who will find it? Who will tell them?"
It warms my heart like none other to see the expression or hear the responses of others when I share how they added value to my life or to our world.
Now What?!
Bottom Line--
Life isn't about proving my worth; it's about highlighting the value in others.
News flash...right? *giggle* But for REAL! That is the bottom line. Seems silly to be so selfishly minded by nature. However, I think if we are honest with ourselves, most humans seek value. It's just in our DNA.
This is a work in progress, but one thing I'm trying to do is--
When I begin over-explaining or attempting to prove my "worth" to those around me, I take a deep breath and say to myself, "You will likely never be able to prove fill in the blank. So, stop trying to prove it; just live it! And, instead-- share why that one is valuable to you."
I think this self-talk reminder is a great strategy for overcoming the "Seeking Value" mindset and moving toward the "Finding Value" mindset.
I challenge you to find value in someone today and share it with them. It only takes a few minutes and could potentially last a lifetime.
